how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
