I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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