you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
