There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
