Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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