drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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