I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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