So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
And then my night got REAL pukey
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I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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