My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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