Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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