She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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