He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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