It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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