I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
