Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
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I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
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Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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