I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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