i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
