the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
