In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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