I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
