fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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