I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
well you can't waste a boner
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
