How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Sex with a fat chick.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
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Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..