Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"