i'm signing you up for texting rehab
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
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