i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
