hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
