I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
