I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
