I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
