seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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