peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
