hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
