I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
