I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
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I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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