Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
