If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
try to milk me bitch
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
