Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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