Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
