So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
