mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
