I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
