i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
