Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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