i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
