My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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