so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
