sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
