The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
