i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Randomize
