I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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