Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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