It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
