If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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