I faked an abortion last night.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
