I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Randomize
