I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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