the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
