his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
