also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
