I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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