I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
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