we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
