Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices