Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
